You can be the most drop-dead, gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, well read, witty, up on the news, likes animals and many of the same activities I do, but when you say you can’t have Sunday brunch because you’ll be in church, baby, you’re history.
This is a sincere message to every religious person reading this.
Please, please, the next time you’re sick or injured, don’t waste time wondering why your god let you down.
Just pray as hard as you can for your god to help you. Get every one of your family members and friends to pray as hard as they can. Ask everyone in your church or synagogue or mosque, and everyone on the Internet to pray for you.
But, whatever you do, don’t go to a doctor or a hospital for treatment.* Those are for atheists like me who don’t believe in your all-powerful, all-loving, caring, and compassionate god.
Your god will save you — but — if he doesn’t, then that was all part of god’s plan and you should never question god’s plan for you. If god wants you to be in horrible pain, or wants you to die a slow, painful death, then who are you to question him?
So remember, don’t see a doctor, just pray.*
Every atheist will be thankful to to have a few less whack-jobs roaming the planet.
These kids have the making of an atheist. They’re questioning the stupidity and inconsistencies of dogma.
Let me answer these questions:
Were there termites on the ark?
No, the ark never existed, nor did the big flood. It’s all a fable to document how wrathful your fictional god is that he would destroy most life on earth even though the animals were not involved in man’s sin. And of course, this all-powerful god couldn’t think of a better way? God is just a mass-murder — or would be if this story was true.
How come Moses didn’t just use a pencil and paper?
Because if Moses thought he was hearing the word of god, he was obviously smoking something and not thinking clearly.
Is there McDonald’s in heaven? They seem to be everywhere.
Perhaps not heaven, but certainly hell. No son, there are no McDonald’s any place other than earth. Heaven is a fictional place created by men who are afraid to die. And also to keep the sheep in line, “If you give us money, you’ll be a good little christian and will go to heaven.”
If god answers all our prayers, how come I didn’t get a pony for my birthday?
Because there is no god, just your parents. Your parents couldn’t afford a pony and that’s why you didn’t get one. Or maybe you’re allergic to horses, or … there could be any number of reasons. But no, there is no god so don’t bother wasting time praying to it.
My brother burped in a church … is he going to hell?
No, there is no such thing as hell. Hell is a fictional place created by men to terrify people who question the stupidity of religion or don’t follow the mind-blowingly stupid practices. “If you do this/don’t do that, you’ll burn in hell!” So yeah, don’t sweat it kids.
Oh, and I’m sorry that your parents are brainwashing you and making you waste hours of your young lives forcing you to sit in a building worshipping something that doesn’t exist instead of being outside playing. As soon as you’re old enough, tell them you’re an atheist and aren’t going to waste any more time on religion.
If all life is sacred, how come there are wars?
To be sacred in the religious sense then there must be a god who has the power to prevent wars. If he existed, he’d have to be a real cock-sucker to let so many of his “children” be maimed and die.
But life is valuable to a point. That’s why most people know that war is wrong. But we also know that when life is over and you’re dying from untreatable cancer, or are brain dead, then life as a blob of protoplasm that only reacts to stimulas with reflex responses is over and a merciful death should be offered.
I saw Jesus’ face in a cracker once. Could I have sold it for, like, a million bucks?
Sadly, the fact that this question would even come up means that other misguided christians have paid ridiculous sums of money for images that coincidentally look like what people think Jesus looked like. You know, a white male instead of a middle-eastern male. So here’s an image of Jesus that’s just as valid as any other. How much will you pay for that?
And that nun looks a lot like one of my teachers in elementary school. She hated children. She was a dried-up, bitter old hag who should have been sent to rot and die in a nunnery. Maybe that cunt planted the first seeds of atheism in me. How could god let one of his own servants abuse children like she did? But then I grew up and found out about pedophile priests and was very thankful I never got suckered into being an alter boy (a.k.a. fresh meat).
So children, if you have any more questions, don’t ask your captors. Ask an intelligent, logical, thinking human being — an atheist.
OK, all you atheists. This drawing of Charles Darwin as an ape is blasphemy. I say we riot and go burn some churches and synagogues and embassies and kill everyone we find because that’s the Muslim way.
God I love religious values, it gives me an excuse to be a total shit-head. Too bad I’m not catholic because after murdering someone I’d confess my sins and be able to go to heaven when I die.
I think we should try that scam with our current judicial system. Go and murder a police officer, confess to a judge that you did it, be absolved of the crime by saying some “hail mary’s” and “our father’s,” go about your business.
What do you mean, “it doesn’t work that way?” You mean catholicism is a fantasy? Who knew?