Amused Atheist

If you're not an atheist, you're misguided

Posts Tagged ‘church’

Apologies to @GSpellchecker (Godless Spellchecker)

I would like to apologize to Godless Spellchecker for a spoof tweet I made on Twitter.

Funk & Wagnalls Church: Warning, Godless Spellchecker (@GSpellchecker) is a baby-eating athiest

Funk & Wagnalls Church: Warning, Godless Spellchecker (@GSpellchecker) is a baby-eating athiest

 

I thought it was so silly it couldn’t be confused but I was mistaken.

Funk & Wagnalls was an American publisher known for its reference works, including A Standard Dictionary of the English Language (1st ed. 1894), and the Funk & Wagnalls Standard Encyclopedia (25 volumes, 1st ed. 1912)” and was often referred to in the hilarious Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In (1967–1973) TV show (“Look THAT up in your Funk & Wagnalls“).

I thought that would be an appropriate name for a fake church given the target of the message.

I doubt if any church would really use the phrase “baby-eating”, but I’ve seen stranger stuff.

Yes, ‘athiest’ was deliberately spelled wrong to parody all the people GS calls out for their misspellings.

Then there was an embedded link in the image to the sign-generating web site.

Finally, I posted a sign for myself, but his followers and retweeters wouldn’t see that unless they followed me:

Reward

 

 

So yeah, things got a bit out of hand when people started replying asking if it was real or noting how the church spelled atheist wrong.

My apologies to all for the confusion. I was just trying to get a laugh.


Klingon religion proverbs

You can find these Klingon programming proverbs by doing a Google search, but I’ll reproduce them here for your convenience. Then I’ll use them as a template for some religion proverbs to follow

Klingon Programming Proverbs

  • Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  • This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need quad Xeon processors if I am to do battle with this code!
  • You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
  • What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
  • Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
  • I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
  • A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
  • By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  • Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Klingon Religion Proverbs

  • Talking snakes are for the weak and timid!
  • The Bible is a piece of GAGH! I need Dawkins and Harris if I am to do battle with this logic!
  • You cannot really appreciate ‘God Is Not Great’ unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
  • What is this talk of ‘religion’? Klingons do not accept ‘religion’. Our response to door-to-door religion salesman leaves a bloody trail of Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses in its wake.
  • Church? Klingons do not go to church. Our species does not coddle the weak.
  • I have challenged the entire Twitter #TeamJesus cult to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
  • A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not retweet stupidity except for his amusement!
  • By teaching Creationism in schools you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  • Our haters will know fear and cower before our Twitter account! Tweet it! Tweet it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

 

This video was pointed out to me thanks to @loghaD:


Follow the money

If you want to know who is promoting religion most strenuously to gullible followers, just follow the money …


Baby, you’re history!

You can be the most drop-dead, gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen, well read, witty, up on the news, likes animals and many of the same activities I do, but when you say you can’t have Sunday brunch because you’ll be in church, baby, you’re history.


God loves a churchgoer

‘Beautiful’ family slain hours after church by ‘mentally ill father who was tormented by the prospect of Obama winning the election’

Albert Peterson shot dead his wife and two sons hours after going to church because he dreaded the thought of Obama winning the election, a family friend has revealed.

– Mail Online

Presumably, the father prayed to his god to help him understand and cope with his fears. But there was no god to hear.

It does not surprise me that a mentally ill man would commit a horrendous crime just hours after leaving church. The fact that he believes in invisible men already puts him at a disadvantage.

If he prays to this invisible man, then the response he hears is actually his own thoughts.

Instead of going to church, he should have sought psychiatric help from a medical professional — what we atheists call ‘real people.’

To the members of this man’s church and religion, you’ve got to be asking yourselves now, just what the fuck good is it to believe in a god that would let this family die so horribly.


Have faith in your god

This is a sincere message to every religious person reading this.

Please, please, the next time you’re sick or injured, don’t waste time wondering why your god let you down.

Just pray as hard as you can for your god to help you. Get every one of your family members and friends to pray as hard as they can. Ask everyone in your church or synagogue or mosque, and everyone on the Internet to pray for you.

But, whatever you do, don’t go to a doctor or a hospital for treatment.* Those are for atheists like me who don’t believe in your all-powerful, all-loving, caring, and compassionate god.

Your god will save you — but — if he doesn’t, then that was all part of god’s plan and you should never question god’s plan for you. If god wants you to be in horrible pain, or wants you to die a slow, painful death, then who are you to question him?

So remember, don’t see a doctor, just pray.*

Every atheist will be thankful to to have a few less whack-jobs roaming the planet.

Read the rest of this entry »


The making of an atheist

These kids have the making of an atheist. They’re questioning the stupidity and inconsistencies of dogma.

Let me answer these questions:

  • Were there termites on the ark?
    • No, the ark never existed, nor did the big flood. It’s all a fable to document how wrathful your fictional god is that he would destroy most life on earth even though the animals were not involved in man’s sin. And of course, this all-powerful god couldn’t think of a better way? God is just a mass-murder — or would be if this story was true.
  • How come Moses didn’t just use a pencil and paper?
    • Because if Moses thought he was hearing the word of god, he was obviously smoking something and not thinking clearly.
  • Is there McDonald’s in heaven? They seem to be everywhere.
    • Perhaps not heaven, but certainly hell. No son, there are no McDonald’s any place other than earth. Heaven is a fictional place created by men who are afraid to die. And also to keep the sheep in line, “If you give us money, you’ll be a good little christian and will go to heaven.”
  • If god answers all our prayers, how come I didn’t get a pony for my birthday?
    • Because there is no god, just your parents. Your parents couldn’t afford a pony and that’s why you didn’t get one. Or maybe you’re allergic to horses, or … there could be any number of reasons. But no, there is no god so don’t bother wasting time praying to it.
  • My brother burped in a church … is he going to hell?
    • No, there is no such thing as hell. Hell is a fictional place created by men to terrify people who question the stupidity of religion or don’t follow the mind-blowingly stupid practices. “If you do this/don’t do that, you’ll burn in hell!” So yeah, don’t sweat it kids.

      Oh, and I’m sorry that your parents are brainwashing you and making you waste hours of your young lives forcing you to sit in a building worshipping something that doesn’t exist instead of being outside playing. As soon as you’re old enough, tell them you’re an atheist and aren’t going to waste any more time on religion.

  • If all life is sacred, how come there are wars?
    • To be sacred in the religious sense then there must be a god who has the power to prevent wars. If he existed, he’d have to be a real cock-sucker to let so many of his “children” be maimed and die.

      But life is valuable to a point. That’s why most people know that war is wrong. But we also know that when life is over and you’re dying from untreatable cancer, or are brain dead, then life as a blob of protoplasm that only reacts to stimulas with reflex responses is over and a merciful death should be offered.

  • I saw Jesus’ face in a cracker once. Could I have sold it for, like, a million bucks?
    • Sadly, the fact that this question would even come up means that other misguided christians have paid ridiculous sums of money for images that coincidentally look like what people think Jesus looked like. You know, a white male instead of a middle-eastern male. So here’s an image of Jesus that’s just as valid as any other. How much will you pay for that?

And that nun looks a lot like one of my teachers in elementary school. She hated children. She was a dried-up, bitter old hag who should have been sent to rot and die in a nunnery. Maybe that cunt planted the first seeds of atheism in me. How could god let one of his own servants abuse children like she did? But then I grew up and found out about pedophile priests and was very thankful I never got suckered into being an alter boy (a.k.a. fresh meat).

So children, if you have any more questions, don’t ask your captors. Ask an intelligent, logical, thinking human being — an atheist.


Let’s riot!

CALL TO ARMS!

OK, all you atheists. This drawing of Charles Darwin as an ape is blasphemy. I say we riot and go burn some churches and synagogues and embassies and kill everyone we find because that’s the Muslim way.

God I love religious values, it gives me an excuse to be a total shit-head. Too bad I’m not catholic because after murdering someone I’d confess my sins and be able to go to heaven when I die.

I think we should try that scam with our current judicial system. Go and murder a police officer, confess to a judge that you did it, be absolved of the crime by saying some “hail mary’s” and “our father’s,” go about your business.

What do you mean, “it doesn’t work that way?” You mean catholicism is a fantasy? Who knew?


Warning labels

Why don’t places of worship carry the appropriate warning, “MAY CONTAIN NUTS”?