Amused Atheist

If you're not an atheist, you're misguided

Posts Tagged ‘bible’

Holy books ARE hate speech

The primary argument we hear against critics and satirists of religion like the Charlie Hebdo cartoonists—who satirized all religions, not just Islam—is that their speech “offends billions of people.”

But what about the religions they’re targeting? The Abrahamic holy books—respected and revered by billions worldwide—prescribe the killing of disbelievers (Quran 8:12-1347:4; Leviticus 24:16); order their adherents to fight and enslave those with differing beliefs, a la ISIS (Quran 9:29-30, Deuteronomy 20:10-18); endorse wife-beating (Quran 4:34) and the stoning to death of non-virginal brides (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); order women to quietly submit to the authority of men (1 Timothy 2:11-12); and mandate the public lashing of fornicators (Quran 24:2) and the killing of homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13).

Who should really be offended here? If hate speech were really the issue, these books would be the first to go.

“No, You’re Not Taking Those Verses ‘Out of Context’”, Richard Dawkins Foundation for Science and Reason.


Klingon religion proverbs

You can find these Klingon programming proverbs by doing a Google search, but I’ll reproduce them here for your convenience. Then I’ll use them as a template for some religion proverbs to follow

Klingon Programming Proverbs

  • Specifications are for the weak and timid!
  • This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need quad Xeon processors if I am to do battle with this code!
  • You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
  • What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
  • Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
  • I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
  • A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
  • By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  • Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Klingon Religion Proverbs

  • Talking snakes are for the weak and timid!
  • The Bible is a piece of GAGH! I need Dawkins and Harris if I am to do battle with this logic!
  • You cannot really appreciate ‘God Is Not Great’ unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
  • What is this talk of ‘religion’? Klingons do not accept ‘religion’. Our response to door-to-door religion salesman leaves a bloody trail of Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses in its wake.
  • Church? Klingons do not go to church. Our species does not coddle the weak.
  • I have challenged the entire Twitter #TeamJesus cult to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
  • A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not retweet stupidity except for his amusement!
  • By teaching Creationism in schools you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
  • Our haters will know fear and cower before our Twitter account! Tweet it! Tweet it and let them flee like the dogs they are!

 

This video was pointed out to me thanks to @loghaD:


The new Bible

The New Bible

The New Bible: Fiction, hate, misogyny, rape, murder, assault edited out


God loses

This is derived from “You say…, God says”

You Say … God Says … Bible Verse
Torture is wrong. A good beating chases away evil … Proverbs 20:30
Slavery is wrong. You may have male and female slaves, but buy them from the nations around you. Leviticus 25:44
Punishment should fit the crime. Those who aren’t righteous will go away to eternal punishment… Matthew 25:46
People shouldn’t be murdered for working on the Sabbath …the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." Numbers 15:35
Beatiing children is wrong. He who spares the rod hates his son… Proverbs 13:24
Killing children is wrong. Anyone who attacks their father or mother is to be put to death. Exodus 21:15
The earth moves around through space. He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved. Psalms 104.5
It is wrong to sell your daughter. If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do [in six years]. Exodus 21:7
Rape is a serious crime. He shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her… Deuteronomy 22:29
Women are equal members of society. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, she must be silent. 1 Timothy 2:12
You are responsible for only your own actions. [I] … am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation… Exodus 20:5
Medicine can heal you. … your faith has healed you. Matthew 9:22
Jesus came in peace. I did not come to bring peace but a sword! Matthew 10:34
Jesus is pro family. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Matthew 10:35
That is in the Old Testament. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear… Matthew 5:18

Once upon a time …

A conversation I once had many years ago told to the best of my recollection. I’ve since learned not to waste my time …

Christian: Why don’t you believe in God?

Me: Which god?

Christian: You know, GOD!

Me: There are thousands of gods. Tell me which one you believe in.

Christian: There’s only one true God!

Me: And that would be the one you believe in?

Christian: Of course. All those other gods aren’t real. Only ignorant, backwards people believe in them.

Me: So you don’t believe in Zeus, or Thor?

Christian: Of course not. That would be crazy! They’re ancient myths.

Me: But your god is real?

Christian: Absolutely!

Me: How do you know?

Christian: It’s in the Bible.

Me: Why do you trust that book?

Christian: It was written by God.

Me: Actually, your bible was written by iron age goat herders, but let’s ignore that for now. So your god wrote a book with proof of his own existence?

Christian: Yes.

Me: Isn’t that circular logic?

Christian: Uh, what?

Me: Never mind. There are plenty of books on Santa Claus. Why don’t you believe in him?

Christian: That’s childish. I grew up and learned the truth.

Me: You grew up? Hmm …

Christian: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Me: Nothing. As an adult, I don’t accept wild claims on face value. I need undeniable proof. What proof is there of the existence of any god that will stand up to peer-reviewed scientific investigation?

Christian: What’s science got to do with it? You need to have faith.

Me: That’s not enough. I need proof.

Christian: THEN READ THE BIBLE!

Me: There are many religious books for other faiths. If I read them instead, wouldn’t I wind up believing in their god?

Christian: THE BIBLE IS THE ONLY ONE YOU CAN BELIEVE BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY GOD!

Me: I didn’t mean to get you upset and we’ve covered that already. Let’s start again. Here’s a great book my parents read to me as a child, and I read to my child, but unlike the bible there are many other ones like it. It’s called The Night Before Christmas. You’ll enjoy it. It proves the existence of Santa Claus. Look, here’s an illustration of him.

Christian: I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL!!! [Storms out]

Me [calling after her]: I hope you open your mind to the truth. It’s waiting for you.


Count to five

Why isn’t this in the Bible? It’s just as factual.

From ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail‘:

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it… um… how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu…

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother…

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One… two… five.

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three.

Now if only we could convince the theists to count to five before throwing the grenade.


Contradictions in the bible

1,529 Contradictions In The Bible – Bradyns Blog

So either “the word of god” is just crap written by goat herders, or god was on a psychotropic drug when he dictated it to the scribes. So much for the infallibility claim.


The word of god

Dear Christians, this scares the hell out of us atheists. You are sick puppies to believe this shit. Also, how the hell can anyone remember all this bizarre crap?

Who should we kill?

Women

  • It is “shameful” for a woman to speak in church – 1 Cor. 14:34-5
  • A man must OK his wife’s words if they are to have force – Num. 30:8
  • A woman must not teach or hold authority over a man – 1 Tim. 2:12
  • Lot saves the messengers from the men of Sodom by offering up his virgin daughters to “do to them as you please” – Gen. 19:8
  • “Kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourself every girl who has never slept with a man” – Moses: Num 31:17-8

Slavery

Marriage

  • It’s best if all people remain unmarried. Marriage is a ‘lesser-of-two-evils’ compromise for Christians too weak to resist their sexual urges, “for it is better to marry than to burn.” – Paul: 1 Cor. 7:1-2, 8-9, 25-6, 38
  • The rapist of an unwed woman must buy her and make her his wife (apparently a far more ‘holy’ union than a genuine, loving same-sex relationship) – Deut. 22:28-9

Justice

  • If a man suspects his wife of cheating he can serve her a cursed drink; if she becomes deformed, then that proves her guilt – Num. 5:12-31
  • 42 children killed by bears for calling a prophet ‘baldy’ – 2 Kings 2:23-4
  • OK to beat your children with a rod;  it won’t kill them – Prov. 23:13-4
  • God commits, orders, or endorses every form of atrocity known to man (pretty much pick a page of the Old Testament at random.)

Do the Old Testament laws still apply?

Christ, what a role model …

  • Christ tells us we must “hate” our entire family, and even our own life, if we want to be one of his disciples – Luke 14:26
  • Those who abandon their families will be rewarded – Matt. 19:29
  • Turns family members against each other – Matt. 10:35-6
  • “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” – Christ: Matt. 10:34
  • “… if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” – Luke 22:36
  • Curses a fig tree for not bearing fruit off-season – Mark 11:12-4, 20-1
  • Didn’t want to help a girl because she was a “dog” gentile – Matt. 15:22-8