Amused Atheist

If you're not an atheist, you're misguided

Archive for the ‘Bible quotes’ Category

Half-baked Apples

Reality Check, 2014-02-06

The whole Adam and Eve story is one of the most ludicrous in the Bible, and that says a whole hell of a lot considering how bizarre that book is. I’m surprised that through all the generations of idiots who edited the Bible to remove things they didn’t like or add things they agreed with, that not one thought, “Ya know, the guy who first wrote this chapter was obviously high on khat so I think we should just quietly remove this nonsense.” Not. One.

But, if all the nonsense was removed from the Bible all that would be left would be the front and back cover.

Yet gullible Christians — yes, I know that’s redundant but I’m trying to make a point — believe this shit. Apparently, the god they worship is shown to be an asshole from the very beginning. “See that tree of the fruit of knowledge? Yeah, keep your grubby paws off of the fruit because the last thing I want as God is to have educated people because then I just cease to exist.”

That’s right, Christians. Just stop believing in God and — POOF! — he’s gone. You are more powerful than the god your ancestors created. Think about it. No, really, THINK about it.

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The god test

God’s rules for testing other gods

Isaiah 41:21-24

21 “Present your case,” says the Lord.
“Set forth your arguments,” says Jacob’s King.
22 “Tell us, you idols,
what is going to happen.
Tell us what the former things were,
so that we may consider them
and know their final outcome.
Or declare to us the things to come,
23     tell us what the future holds,
so we may know that you are gods.
Do something, whether good or bad,
so that we will be dismayed and filled with fear.
24 But you are less than nothing
and your works are utterly worthless;
whoever chooses you is detestable.


God’s rules for testing God:

Luke 4:12

12 Jesus answered, “It is said: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.

God loses

This is derived from “You say…, God says”

You Say … God Says … Bible Verse
Torture is wrong. A good beating chases away evil … Proverbs 20:30
Slavery is wrong. You may have male and female slaves, but buy them from the nations around you. Leviticus 25:44
Punishment should fit the crime. Those who aren’t righteous will go away to eternal punishment… Matthew 25:46
People shouldn’t be murdered for working on the Sabbath …the LORD said to Moses, "The man must die. The whole assembly must stone him outside the camp." Numbers 15:35
Beatiing children is wrong. He who spares the rod hates his son… Proverbs 13:24
Killing children is wrong. Anyone who attacks their father or mother is to be put to death. Exodus 21:15
The earth moves around through space. He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved. Psalms 104.5
It is wrong to sell your daughter. If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as male servants do [in six years]. Exodus 21:7
Rape is a serious crime. He shall pay the girl’s father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her… Deuteronomy 22:29
Women are equal members of society. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, she must be silent. 1 Timothy 2:12
You are responsible for only your own actions. [I] … am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation… Exodus 20:5
Medicine can heal you. … your faith has healed you. Matthew 9:22
Jesus came in peace. I did not come to bring peace but a sword! Matthew 10:34
Jesus is pro family. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Matthew 10:35
That is in the Old Testament. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not even the smallest detail of God’s law will disappear… Matthew 5:18

Count to five

Why isn’t this in the Bible? It’s just as factual.

From ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail‘:

[Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch]

King Arthur: How does it… um… how does it work?

Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.

King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.

Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.

Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.” And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu…

Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother…

Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

Brother Maynard: Amen.

All: Amen.

King Arthur: Right. One… two… five.

Galahad: Three, sir.

King Arthur: Three.

Now if only we could convince the theists to count to five before throwing the grenade.

Contradictions in the bible

1,529 Contradictions In The Bible – Bradyns Blog

So either “the word of god” is just crap written by goat herders, or god was on a psychotropic drug when he dictated it to the scribes. So much for the infallibility claim.

The word of god

Dear Christians, this scares the hell out of us atheists. You are sick puppies to believe this shit. Also, how the hell can anyone remember all this bizarre crap?

Who should we kill?


  • It is “shameful” for a woman to speak in church – 1 Cor. 14:34-5
  • A man must OK his wife’s words if they are to have force – Num. 30:8
  • A woman must not teach or hold authority over a man – 1 Tim. 2:12
  • Lot saves the messengers from the men of Sodom by offering up his virgin daughters to “do to them as you please” – Gen. 19:8
  • “Kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourself every girl who has never slept with a man” – Moses: Num 31:17-8



  • It’s best if all people remain unmarried. Marriage is a ‘lesser-of-two-evils’ compromise for Christians too weak to resist their sexual urges, “for it is better to marry than to burn.” – Paul: 1 Cor. 7:1-2, 8-9, 25-6, 38
  • The rapist of an unwed woman must buy her and make her his wife (apparently a far more ‘holy’ union than a genuine, loving same-sex relationship) – Deut. 22:28-9


  • If a man suspects his wife of cheating he can serve her a cursed drink; if she becomes deformed, then that proves her guilt – Num. 5:12-31
  • 42 children killed by bears for calling a prophet ‘baldy’ – 2 Kings 2:23-4
  • OK to beat your children with a rod;  it won’t kill them – Prov. 23:13-4
  • God commits, orders, or endorses every form of atrocity known to man (pretty much pick a page of the Old Testament at random.)

Do the Old Testament laws still apply?

Christ, what a role model …

  • Christ tells us we must “hate” our entire family, and even our own life, if we want to be one of his disciples – Luke 14:26
  • Those who abandon their families will be rewarded – Matt. 19:29
  • Turns family members against each other – Matt. 10:35-6
  • “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” – Christ: Matt. 10:34
  • “… if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.” – Luke 22:36
  • Curses a fig tree for not bearing fruit off-season – Mark 11:12-4, 20-1
  • Didn’t want to help a girl because she was a “dog” gentile – Matt. 15:22-8


Better get started

For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death. – Exodus 35:2

Notice there was no exemption given for essential services like police, fire, ambulance, and most importantly, retail clerks.

So christians, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Your bible told you what must be done. You’re not a true believer — a true christian — unless you follow the bible.

No! You do not get to pick and choose which parts of the bible to follow!

The bible is supposed to be the word of god for christ’s sake, so get your shit together christians.

For all you atheists out there, yeah, we know what’s going to happen, right? Nothing! These dumbass christians aren’t going to do anything. They know their religion is a farce. They know the bible was written by donkey-riders. They know they’re deluding themselves. But, they’re happy.

Christians, you have no idea what fools you look like to sane people.

Leaving the scene of the crime


But, but, it wasn’t God’s mistake. God was invented by ancient goat herders who had never played Sim-Universe and thus didn’t know how to create, well, anything. Including a well-thought out, believable deity.

We can quote the bible too


Go ahead Christians, try executing your wife if she’s not a virgin. I mean, you must follow the bible teachings, right? So you must execute her. You have no choice. Otherwise, you must know that your bible is just bullshit.

You can’t say that the bible is the word of god and then pick and choose which parts you’re going to obey. If you do, then you’re ignoring god’s word and will go to hell.

So yeah, every Christian is going to hell then.

And Christian guys, if you have sex with your girlfriend and then marry her knowing she’s not a virgin, then that’s entrapment. As a good, god-fearing Christian you have to execute her so I guess that’s murder then.

Oh, you Christians are such wild and crazy people. No, I mean literally.

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