Amused Atheist

If you're not an atheist, you're misguided

Flat-Earthers fail at physics

I love Flat-Earthers because they’re amusing. They don’t “believe” in gravity. They claim that objects fall to the ground when released because the flat Earth is accelerating “up.” This doesn’t sound plausible but let’s see if it’s physically possible.

We want to calculate the velocity that the Earth would be moving and the amount of energy it would take to accelerate the Earth to that velocity. Let’s not quibble about where the energy comes from. Let’s just say … God farts a lot. We’ll discuss this more later.

Check my calculations, will ya?

The Earth is 4.543 billion years old. That’s 1.434E+17 seconds. For now, we’ll neglect the “true” age of 6,000 years.

Acceleration is 9.807 m/s2. Sane people call that “acceleration due to gravity,” but Flat-Earthers know God just likes eating too many bean burritos.

V = a * t is thus 9.807 * 1.434E+17 = 1.406E+18 m/s

The speed of light is 299,792,458 m/s (not quite as fast as gossip, but no slouch) so the above velocity is, as Scotty from Star Trek would say, warp 4.7 billion. Say that number out loud while channeling the combined voices of Scotty and Carl Sagan.

Warp 4.7 billion is possible, right? I’m sure that Flat-Earthers are glad that space is a vacuum because that velocity through air would really do a number on their finely quaffed hair
(think of Donald Trump’s hair as he walks up the stairs of Marine One, only not quite as bad). I’m neglecting the heating effects due to friction because you can buy flavored lube for that.

Now, how much energy would it take to accelerate the Earth to that velocity in a vacuum?

The Earth has a mass of 5.972E+24 kg, but I won’t fat-shame it.

E = 0.5 * m * v2 so  E = 0.5 * 5.972E+24 * (1.406E+18)2 is 5.903E+60 joules.

One cup (180 g) of beans packs 230 calories. 1 calorie is 4.186 joules. That’s about 5,350 joules per kg of beans. Naturally, I’m going to assume that God is 100% efficient in turning those consumed calories into the equivalent propulsive force because if there’s one thing my Catholic upbringing has taught me, God can be a big stinker. Anyway, that’s a mere 1.104E+57 kg of beans or, over the lifetime of the Earth, God would only need to consume 7.698E+39 kg of beans per second. One would have to admit that God has an eating disorder, but nobody said God was perfect. Oh, they did?!

Trust me when I say, you do not want to be God’s proctologist.

In addition, all that propulsive force must be 100% applied to the underside of the Earth. You can stop wondering why no Flat-Earther has explored the underside when you consider it’s bathed in a billion hurricanes of methane gas. The only Flat-Earthers who attempted the journey were smokers and … well … you know what happens when red-necks light farts.

Considering that for God to maintain this constant acceleration, because gravity is a myth, it’s no wonder he hasn’t got time to answer prayers.

Flat-Earthers “know” that the Earth is really only 6,000 years old and that makes a huge difference in the calculations. In “Flat-Earther reality,” the Earth is only travelling at warp 6,194 and God only needs to eat 1.017E+34 kg of beans per second. So sure, it’s feasible … to Flat-Earthers.

OK, OK, these calculations are nonsensical. Everyone knows God doesn’t get all his energy from beans. He washes them down with 3.6 billion cubic km of Red Bull. Thus the unavoidable biblical flood.

Where do all these beans and Red Bull come from? Black Hole Foods, of course. You should see God’s grocery bill.

Believing in a flat Earth is—how do I put this politely—silly, but it’s not as silly as Muslims believing in flying horses, right?

Well …

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