Dear Christian children, ask your mommy or daddy to tell you everything that happened in that Noah’s Ark story. You should know that the God your mommy and daddy think is a nice person is a genocidal maniac. You can look up those words in the dictionary.
Have you seen the movie, Titanic? Do you remember the scene after the ship sank with all those dead people in the water? Now imagine thousands of those ships sinking at the same time. Yes, God murdered millions of people as well as the animals.
This is the religion your mommy and daddy want you to grow up with. But don’t worry. This story is a lie. It never happened. Ask your mommy and daddy and priest why they are lying to you. They will answer you, but they will be lying again because religion is just a big fib.
With apologies to Leigh Rubin for parody’s sake I recaptioned this comic. Click to see the original version.
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This quote from Tropic Thunder (2008) is perfect to describe some of the comments from theists on Twitter:
Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, ‘Rain Man,’ look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded.
You know Tom Hanks, ‘Forrest Gump.’ Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded.
Peter Sellers, “Being There.” Infantile, yes. Retarded, no.
You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.
You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, “I Am Sam.” Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed…
This is based on the Rifleman’s Creed:
This is my god. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My god is my best friend. He is my life. I must master prayer as I must master my life.
My god, without me, is useless. Without my god, I am useless. I must pray to my god true. I must pray harder than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will.
My god and I know that what counts in this life is not the tolerance we show, the noise of our sermons, or the smoke-screens we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit.
My god is human, even as I, because I invented him. Thus, I will learn about god as a brother. I will learn his weaknesses, his strengths, his manly parts, his accessories, his prejudices, and his hates. I will keep my god clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will.
Before God, I swear this creed. My god and I are the defenders of my religion. We are the masters of other religions. We are the saviors of my life. We hate all others not like us.
So be it, until victory is my religion’s and there is no other religion, but peace!
P.S. Fuck the NRA and the politicians they bought.