Amused Atheist

If you're not an atheist, you're misguided

Archive for August, 2012

What’s god?

What’s ‘God’? Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you. – Religious Critic


Lie your way out of trouble

There are a few stories in the bible that seem to indicate they were invented by the goat herders that wrote them as a means of getting out of trouble.

The story of the virgin Mary is an obvious one. Woman gets banged by another guy, claims to have a virgin birth, father believes it.

And there’s Jonah. Gets drunk, gets into a bar fight, goes to a brothel to recuperate for three days before crawling home. Tells wife he was swallowed by a whale. Goat herder wife thinks that’s plausible.

What I don’t understand is why christians today still believe that total bullshit. They’d never try those stories on their spouses, but since it’s in the bible, a book written by — have I mentioned this — goat herders, then it must be true.

Sigh, you christians are so gullible.


A special place in hell

I think god and the devil made a pact so that there would be “special treatment” in hell for all those evangelical ministers, politicians, and other nutjobs that claim to have spoken to god.

God is too busy adding all those people who pray to him to his call block list to actually talk to dirtbags stealing money from gullible people. That and finding other inventive ways to torture his children.

Atheists see through the con artists.

Religious people pay to be lied to.


Do as you’re told

So a voice in your head tells you to do something, you think it’s god speaking, which is understandable since insane people usually don’t know they’re insane.

But really, you choose what you will or will not do. When you do something you want to do, you credit god. When that voice in your head tells you to do something you don’t want to do, you ignore it.

It’s a voice in your head.

It’s not god.

Really.

Get help.


Leaving the scene of the crime

 

But, but, it wasn’t God’s mistake. God was invented by ancient goat herders who had never played Sim-Universe and thus didn’t know how to create, well, anything. Including a well-thought out, believable deity.


It’s the child’s fault

New York priest criticized for suggesting children seduce priests in some sex abuse cases

A well-known New York priest is coming under criticism for saying that priests accused of child sex abuse are often seduced by their accusers and that a first-time offender should not go to jail.

The Globe and Mail

Well, I guess that makes it OK then. As long as the child instigates sexual contact, it’s OK for the priests to be dickwads. So of the massive number of cases of sexual abuse by priests over the centuries, what minuscule percentage was the child’s fault?

Zero! You know it can never be the child’s fault, right? They are children, priests are adults.

But don’t worry, the church will rally round this priest and protect him from his pedophile tendencies. Because that’s what the church does best. Protect its own and fuck the children. Literally.


Now I get it!

Goddamn! It just occurred to me that if god is supposed to be an omnipotent, loving, forgiving, all seeing being but instead is acting like a total psychotic douche-bag what with his deadly storms, starvation, disease, accidents, murders, torture, wars — oh hell, this is a long list — then he’s gotta be totally drunk and stoned and too busy watching porn to get his shit together.

Think about it. The fucker created alcohol and crack and can watch everyone have sex. Shit, no wonder his brain’s fried and he has hairy palms. Sure beats working to keep the world safe for his children.

Ya know, if a real person did any of this, their children would be placed in foster care and they’d be locked up in forced rehab in a mental institution.

But you theists go ahead and worship your role model instead. After all, you created him in your image.


Your religion was chosen for you

All children are born atheists, not believing in any god. Then the parents brainwash them.

Surprisingly, the children have the same religion of their parents who in turn have the religion of where they were born.

What do you think the odds are that each child has discovered the “one true god”? Not very likely.

Theists, I know it’s hard to undo years of brain-washing. You can do it if you examine your religion’s claims with an open, probing mind and use science and logic. You will conclude that all religion is just wishful thinking, at best.